Trying to escape the Hollywood and Highland mall is an astounding pain in the ass. The first two elevators heading down into the bowels of the parking garage were packed full, the second, quite surprisingly, with two large racks of clothing and a couple of blandly apologetic attendants to said clothing. When the third arrived, even though it was mostly full, my friend and I made some room for ourselves. The doors hadn’t shut before our fellow elevator-mates were cracking wise about sardine packed elevators. My friend, in his crisp British accent, said “You should have seen the last one.” And then, an amazing thing happened: Not one, not two, but at least three people instantly mocked him and gleefully aped the way he said “last”.

Really? Had that really just happened? No. No way. Yes! It totally did! An elevator full of middle class, mall-going, adult-human-beings had just totally made fun of my friends’ accent! Have the British pissed us off lately? I thought it was the French, and even then, I thought their new president was making inroads. Seriously. Really?

In any case, I started thinking on the way home….I never really grew up in a time when people said “Ma’am” and “Yes Sir” (to quote a song by Spoon of which I’m rather fond). And yet, I wonder if maybe the folks who are nostalgic for such a time are onto something. Have we really become such an ardently belligerent and crass society? Based on the number of women who marvel when I hold a door open for them, I wonder if maybe we have. And maybe that’s why I was so shocked the week after 9/11 when people all seemed so polite in traffic. Did I just not know what I was missing? And does it take a national tragedy to make people behave with some decorum in public? I have no idea, but I’d say we could probably take a couple steps towards civility without becoming parodies of Leave it to Beaver.

I have no idea as to how we would formulate a solution to the problem. Raising the national IQ level might help. Can we teach it in schools? Maybe we get a mascot? Free drugs for anyone who says nice things to strangers! Obviously another terrorist attack would do the trick, but really, terrorist attacks are almost totally not good, and the meager upside only seems to last for a week anyway. There’s gotta be a fun solution here, it’s just not bubbling to the surface right now.

PS. Has anyone seen door-to-door Christmas caroling anywhere but television commercials lately? Where the fuck is our saccharine spirit!?