A few weeks ago, I was tempted to physically assault someone. Not a long, over-involved pummeling kind of impulse, but more of a “punch person’s face a few times” impulse. Specifically, I was struck with the powerful urge to accidentally lose my grip on my bowling bowl so that it tragically intersected with this one girl’s face (uh, interfaced with her face?).

In my defense, it had just not been a good day for me. I’d gotten very little sleep the night before and a good friend at work had decided he wasn’t speaking to me anymore. I am exhausted and upset and yes, a little on edge.

I’ve only been in one “fight” in my life and that was a sort of kicking skirmish with Sabine Stahl in the fifth grade. But in this instance, for a nanosecond, I had the thought that this was going to be the night. My first fight was going to be with a 21 year-old wanna-be fashion model from Utica, NY. She was taller than me, but I have a good 40-50 pounds on her and I was uber-pissed.

On the night in question, I go over to Chris’ and Marko is there. We watch an episode of Knight Rider on NetFlix, after which they are heading over to meet James at the bowling alley in Brooklyn. I tell Chris I’m too tired and unhappy and I am just going to go home, but he won’t hear of it. “It will cheer you up!”, he says, “We’ll bowl and drink beer.” How could I refuse in the face of such unassailable logic?

The first game is a lot of fun. Marko and Chris are a thousand times better at bowling than I am, but I am improving thanks to bowling on my mom’s Wii over Christmas. Then James and his lady friend show up. Yes, sirree. Her name is…let’s call her Sassy Pants. We first become aware of James and Sassy Pants when she begins shrilly yelling at Chris to bowl it into the gutter and what a piece of shit bowler he is.

Chris and Marko had on a previous occasion played pool with Sassy Pants. Chris and Marko are photographers, used to dealing with models, and are happy that their (photographer) friend, James, is getting laid. Chris and Marko don’t mind spending time with a pretty girl, i.e. they are males.

I am not a photographer. James and I aren’t that close. I am not male and I am socially finicky. On top of this, I’m tired and not in great spirits. The last thing I need is a shrieking, obnoxious, hyperactive stranger telling me how much I suck and how she is going to kick everyone’s asses. Then the hitting begins.

Not at me, thank god, because there really would have been a fight that night. No, the object of Sassy Pant’s love taps is Chris, who bears it surprisingly well. To be clear, these are not playful jabs or chummy nudges. These are slaps to the face or punches to the stomach. Right. Chris retaliates by spanking her ass every time she hits him, which of course she likes, though in true guy-cave-man fashion, he asks James if it is okay first. James thinks it is fair retribution. Actually, I think James is a tad chagrined at that point.

Honestly, I can joke or trash talk with the best of them. The guys trash talk like you wouldn’t believe though I’m usually excluded because I’m not a good enough bowler to be a true contender and non-threatening types tend to fly under the trash talking radar. To reiterate: I’m tired, I’m sad, a very loud, screechy woman is yelling at me every time I bowl. I am no longer having any fun. After the fifth, “You fucking suck!” from Sassy Pants, was about when I was visualizing the bowling ball meeting her face mishap. James
half-smiles and says, “You can hit her, too.” to which I reply, “Not even fucking worth it!” to which I overhear her say to James, “Ohhhhh, someone is not amused.”

YEAH? DO YOU THINK, BITCH? What gave you the first inkling? Was it my pained expression or everyone else rolling their eyes? I tell Chris I’m too exhausted and I’m going to cut out early. He argues me out of it because there’s only one more game left. He says, “She’s only 21 and really insecure.” and “She’s from Utica.” and some other flimsy reasons to explain why she is a freakish douche bag. So, while I am in the ladies’ room, reportedly Sassy Pants runs up behind Chris and when he turns around she
slaps him in the face as hard as she can. Okay, this was kind of the last straw. Chris bides his time and when she least expects it, he walks over and fully slaps her in the face. Oh man, is she pissed! Normally, no way would I advocate violence of any kind, especially not against a woman, but this time I’m just sorry I missed it.

The rest of the game was uneventful and a bit quieter. We all parted ways at the train station and Sassy Pants went back to Utica. A few days later, Chris informs me that he and Sassy Pants are friends now and even did a shoot together. 100% coincidentally, one of Chris’ heroes, Terry Richardson, is planning a shoot with Sassy Pants, on the basis of a photo that Chris took. If she ever works with Juergen Teller or Nobuyoshi Araki, Chris might marry her.

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Moral 1: I need to stop hanging out with photographers.
Moral 2: I need more not-too-frilly female friends.
Moral 3: I need to avoid models at all costs (except for Julia or Raleesha
because I liked them a lot).