I had a primo opportunity to chat with a guy and instead I just kept walking. And yesterday, I could have shown interest on an escalator and blew it.

Honestly, I panic. A little, mini, teeny tiny, makes dust particles look huge, quark-sized panic attack. I’m walking around fine and confident and happy and then I see a cute guy and my brain goes all DefCon 4.

Someone, please abduct a loved one of mine and threaten to do them harm unless I talk to these men (but obviously not actually harm them). I suggest R. or L. because he’s hilarious and she’s fascinating. But if you want to discuss foreign policy or quantum mechanics with your hostage, there’s no better abductee than K.

I would suggest you provide some snacks and light refreshments for your hostage. Maybe some fruit and cheese or crudites (served with Jo’s Miso Carrot dressing) or, even better, cupcakes. With butter cream frosting. And for a cold treat, one can never go wrong with Tofutti Cuties. They are de-fucking-licious! Seriously. I want to eat the whole box in one sitting, but I limit myself to two (they are petite).

I recommend you stock craft beer for R., scotch for L. or white wine for K., preferably a chablis, perhaps a bottle of the 2006 William Fevre Les Clos Chablis Grand Cru?

As far as entertaining your hostage: R. likes independent and foreign films, particularly those of the Parker Posey and/or Christopher Guest variety. And “Irma Vep”. And Werner Herzog. Or Flight of the Conchords.

L. loves the band The Faint and books like “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole or ”At-Swim-Two-Birds” by Flann O’Brien (the nom de plume of Brian O’Nolan). Be careful because she can probably drink you under the table and escape. And she got a degree in Economics from Yale so she can probably out-economize you, too.

K. adores The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, P.G. Wodehouse novels [more Psmith (the “P” is silent) than Jeeves], non-fiction like “The Federalist Papers”, anything Ricky Gervais, anything Dame Helen Mirren. Films like “Gosford Park” and “Local Hero”. Warning: K. will probably outsmart you and correct your grammar in one fell swoop. Bonus: she’s very tidy.