is the unsexiest in all the history of oral fixations.

I refer, of course, to my ongoing dental woes. And woes they are. Lamentable, tragic and never ending. This Winter, if you see one movie, make it this one: the epic story of one woman’s journey into night (though there will be a dearth of wailing and gnashings of teeth as my bones can’t handle the strain).

The periodontist told me that my gums are actually relatively healthy, but because I’m missing a crown that I can ill afford and an implant that I can also ill afford (and may not be able to acquire), my front teeth have been overly stressed and are…not wobbly, but not as…steadfast as a young person’s teeth ought to be. In addition, my Eastern European dentist has been alarmed by the innate shortness of my roots for quite some time.

Apparently, due to a perfect storm of circumstances, genes and neglect, I have suffered quite a lot of bone loss around the roots of my teeth and I need some kind of buttressing type surgery, the name of which I cannot recall and I seem to have misplaced the business card where I had him write down the name of it so I could Google it once I got home.

There is a weakened area near where they removed the titanium screws last year (which is why I might not be able to get the implant, even if I had two grand lying around waiting to be handed to an eager periodontist. Which I don’t. Did I mention that?).

Perhaps I should put my various ailments on eBay and philanthropists can choose to fund whichever dental procedure tickles their fancy. I imagine the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation would spring for the unnamed oral surgery because titanium screws in your skull seem pretty futuristic and techie. Each month they would receive x-rays of my mouth, the way those Christian Children’s Fund people on TV send you a picture of little !kung-a, eating the Pop Tarts your monthly support provided for him and his entire village. Plus, he had enough money left over to purchase his very own shoe.

Bill and Melinda, you have the power to make her life better. If you cannot find it within your hearts to help a poor Credits Typist in New York City get the oral surgery she so desperately needs, she may no longer have enough teeth to eat her Pop Tarts and will be forced to subsist on cocktails (to numb the pain) and that all-liquid Hollywood Diet that celebs use prior to photo ops but once they begin to eat solids, they gain all the weight back. Liquid diets wreak havoc on a person’s metabolism. They are unhealthy and ineffective. Just look at Oprah!

For only $100 a day for one month, you could make all the difference in a Cari’s precious life. Please, call the toll-free number on the bottom of your screen today. Operators are standing by. The first ten callers will also receive this stylish tote bag as our gift to you!

You can also visit us on the World Wide Web at www.carineedssomekindoforalsurgerybutcannotrememberthenameofitrightnowthoughitisacompletelylegitimateprocedureandthisisacompletelylegitimatecharity.com.

Won’t you help keep her future smiles bright?