For a long time growing up I felt supremely transparent, that everything I thought or felt was pretty obvious to everyone around me. I still feel that way to a degree, though some people mistake my shyness for aloofness. On the other hand, a good number of people are irritating and I genuinely don’t like them. So…I’m not sure what my point is there.

On top of that is my tendency to conserve energy, not engaging in debates with blowhards, not talking at length on the phone, and at my very worst, not bothering to project or enunciate when I’m talking to someone. This is my favorite mode of communication, the one where I feel most
comfortable and most confident, these pixels appearing on monitors near you, or making ink shapes on paper. If I could communicate with more people, especially men, in writing, I would have dates all over the place.

At work I’ve been making a special effort to say “hi” to people, just to show that I like them. I think I felt like if I like a person, he or she would just know it and I wouldn’t need to say anything by way of confirmation. But then I realized recently that I just walk right by people I like and don’t even acknowledge them. I tend to get so goal-oriented with my communication that I overlook really basic, obvious social cues and gestures. This also ties in with my tendency to feel overwhelmed by too much stimuli.

Saying hello is a another one of those things that other people just do off-hand and it requires little to no thought for them. Not so with me. If the majority of people are social technocrats, I’m socially Amish.

The good news is, I’m aware of it and I’m learning and I’m doing better. I think I may have squandered some social capital and goodwill that I had previously earned because I was socially unaware, so I am determined not to let that happen again. And we all know how far my determination gets me.

Ps.