1 cup white wine
1 cup water
1 medium julienned onion
1 gigantic sliced carrot
6 peppercorns
4 coriander seeds
A few sprigs of parsley
Sea salt
2 large goldfish (can substitute 5 beta or 6 guppies)
Juice of 1 lemon

Place wine, water and seasonings in a saucepan, bring to the boil and simmer simmer simmer for ten whole minutes (be patient…maybe bring a book into the kitchen). Place the cleaned goldfish (or comparable aquatic friend) in a flameproof dish, squeeze over the lemon juice (i mean, squeeze the lemon, not the fish) then pour over the hot liquid plus all the flavorings (yummy!). Add vegetables. Cover with tin (or gold) foil, bring to simmering point then lower heat slightly and poach very very gently (softly now) for, oh, i don’t know…ten minutes until fish is just cooked.

Remove from that hot thing, transfer to serving dish, pour over liquid and flavorings, discarding soggy herbs, and allow to cool. Garnish with fresh herbs and any plastic aquarium plants you might have left over, before serving (not after, stupid!) (sorry, i’m seeing a therapist about my abusive outbursts) (he’s really nice, too. i’ll give you his number if you’re interested). If preferred, fish can be skinned and filleted when cold and served with about half of the liquid mixed with a little French (stinking frogs) mustard.

artist: michael sowa copyright © 1996 Inkognito