I gave up politics years ago. At some point you have to decide whether or not the work is for you. You have to decide whether you’ve got what it takes to remember names and kiss babies, and I can’t remember names for the life of me. On top of that, I’ve got a political agenda that has been orbiting frighteningly close to “conservative” for the last few years. The nice way to explain that is to say I’m a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. The other way to say it is that I have no tolerance for both the intolerable and for that which passes for “acceptable” anymore.

My running platform has been ready for years, but so far I haven’t found any backers. That’s why I decided to pursue other things in the meantime rather than wait around for slack-jawed backers to show up and finance my play. Besides that, I’ve already said that I can’t remember names, so chances are I just wasn’t meant for politics, and depending on who’s paying attention, that’s either a gift or a travesty for the entertainment industry.

Here’s part one of my platform in no particular order.

1. Kill everyone now
I’ve got a solution to the overcrowded prison system that, with some help from my other proposals, is a sure fire way to solve the problem. Everyone on death row gets the fuckin’ chair tomorrow. Anyone in jail for premeditated murder, rape, or child molestation can then take up the empty seats and then also be promptly done away with.

It’s a very simple concept: we live in a society composed mostly of right-thinking, moral people. I don’t mean bible bangers or tree huggers, what I mean is that we’re a society with a basic moral code by which we all live our lives. One of the basic tenets of this code is that you shouldn’t kill, rape or molest people. For most folks this shouldn’t be a problem, and for those who do have a problem with this, well…there’s an ever growing population on this planet that we have to make room for, so if you can’t live by these simple rules, then we’ve got no fuckin’ space for you.

2. “Legalize the damn stuff, do it today, I’ll be right back after I shoot up” (*)
I’ve got another way to clean up the prisons: Let everyone in there on a drug beef the fuck out. Is there really any question that our current tactics in “the war on drugs” are even remotely effective? We’ve got gangsters and junkies robbing and killing everyone on our quiet city streets either for drugs, or for the money that permeates the drug business. Since we, as a society, have proclaimed such an awful hatred for the perpetrators of the drug business, why is it that we let them rake in all the cash? And we let them take that money home tax free nonetheless! We could be taxing that stuff and making our money back from all the junkies who – despite the facts – refuse to quit. We’d also get the built-in benefit of far less murders over botched drug deals and gang rivalry. And what if those folks still wanna commit murder? See point number one above – we’ve got space for them in our penal system. Remember: Substance abuse is a public health issue and nothing more.

3. No sex is free
Sure, prisons don’t have a bevy of prostitutes cramping up the cells, but every city jail has got ‘em just about every night. Not only is that a waste of space, but just think about how many police hours are wasted jamming up street hookers every night. These are women who’ve consciously decided to make a living selling their bodies. Is there really any question it’s gonna happen anyway? We live in this goddamned puritan society on the surface, but we get home and read the paper to find out that pornographers are filing IPO’s right and left. Sex sells because we buy it. Sex is a commodity, and if that’s really the only way these people can find to make a living, why not let them participate in our little market economy right alongside the dot commers and tobacco companies.

I want to build a Meritocracy. I want to live in a country where people get what they get based on merit, not tradition. If your actions merit the electric chair, then prepare to have your ass warmed up. If your actions merit the key to the city, don’t let me stop you on your way to the mayor’s office. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by intelligent, trustworthy, and upstanding people in my personal life, so I wonder why we can’t live in a world where we’re all surrounded by these people on a societal level. The blurred laws of karma have said for years that folks will get what’s coming to them, I think it’s time we actually wrote something down on the books that says the same thing.

Tune in next time when we’ll cover gun control, the anti-abortion activists and why they should go to jail, tax exemptions for organized religions (cults), and just how much love I feel for a woman who’s paying drug addicts to have themselves sterilized.

(* Barry Champlain from Talk Radio by Eric Bogosian)