WHAT I WOULD DO WITH YOUR MONEY WERE WE TO GET MARRIED

I would build a metaphorical Virginia Woolf Room of My Own with money that wasn’t my own. It would be for me to write and paint in so you can’t see inside it, though you can peruse what comes out.

I would travel all over the world with this room (and you) and perhaps I would return to school for my degree. I would learn five languages. I would pretty myself up with facials and massages. I would buy quality things. I would exercise more. My days would be full of wide open skies and general expansiveness.

I would drive an understated car, or be chauffeured about by an understated driver who read Rilke (in German) while waiting for me to finish shopping. I would avoid all clothing or merchandise with obvious logos or names written on them. I would pay extra to have logos or names removed. I would not buy many shoes because I have big, wide feet and can’t wear Blahniks or Choos. I like running shoes because they support my low arches and don’t exacerbate my bunions. Plus, I can run away in them, perhaps after bunion surgery. I wouldn’t wear a lot of make-up because now that I’ve figured myself out more I look better with less. I would still curl my eyelashes because it makes my eyes look quite fetching. I would endeavor to subtly smell nice.

We would dine out often in decent eateries because I love food, though you know how I feel about seafood and meat that looks like the animal it once was. I would unabashedly take home doggy bags because I hate waste and love leftovers. We might also have a cook who would make extra of everything so there would be more leftovers. He or she would have to cook as well as my mom or better, especially steak and artichokes (with sauteed mushrooms). I would try the Kobe steak at Bobby Flay’s. Over dinner, you would have to talk about yourself and your life and how you feel about things so I can decide if we should stay married or not. You also have to listen to me even if I seem boring because I am frequently fascinating and witty and you wouldn’t want to miss anything good. You must be willing and able to discuss books or movies or music. You mustn’t roll your eyes if your opinion should differ.

We would look at and purchase art. We would sit on beaches with no one else on them. I, or persons who worked for me, would continue to write letters on behalf of political prisoners. I, or persons who worked for me, would strive to protect the environment and conserve wildlife. (Did you know that prior to commercial hunting, it is estimated there were hundreds of thousands of blue whales roaming the oceans? Did you know that recently we rejoiced that there are a few thousand left instead of a few hundred? Did you know that blue whales are the largest animals that have ever lived on this Earth? They can measure twice as long as the largest dinosaur?) One year, we would donate so generously to Public Radio and Television that they would not have pledge drives and we could listen to Terry Gross on Fresh Air in peace. We would also offer enormous endowments to respected universities on the condition that I could pester their professors with questions about insects or microbes or dark matter any time, day or night.

We would frequently go out for cocktails because I think that’s great fun. We would also drink really wonderful wines selected by someone well-versed in that sort of thing. We would attend events that required us to wear black-tie attire because I’ve never been to anything like that before.

We would have a nice house and a garden at which to look or in which to sit. We would have a cat and/or dog. Or three. I would have comprehensive health and dental insurance and would finally get that oral surgery I’ve always wanted.

HOW YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE FOR ME TO MARRY YOU

You would have to be nice. You would have to carry anything heavy. You would have to accept my ambivalence about having children, while acknowledging that I may feel differently about it in the future. You cannot be more than 15 years older than me and positively must possess all of your teeth. You must be moderately good looking and be height/weight proportionate.

You must kiss me often unless you are a bad kisser, in which case you must improve your kissing skills posthaste. You must be fond of having sex, particularly with me. You must be a safe driver who shakes a fist at Hummers and SUVs. Obviously, you must not be violent or a douche bag. You must dress and wear your hair in a reasonably stylish fashion. No beards or mustaches. Especially no mustaches. No excessive gambling or other risky, compulsive behaviors. No cocaine or hard drugs or copious pot-smoking. (People on coke are so fucking annoying.)

You must be comfortable with the occasional silence or lull in conversation. You must allow me time alone in my Virginia Woolf Room. (You can go play golf or something.)

You must stay faithful to me no matter how unbelievably hot she is or how badly she wants you.

You must think I’m the cat’s meow for all time.