//Neuroses
By cari || October 27, 2008
“Stephen Merritt was obviously high or was just his usual high-seeming, random self.”
Stephen Merritt (far right) telling you that someday your dog or cat will die. I could see the band much better than my crappy cell phone lens could.
I bought two tickets in August to see Magnetic Fields play at Landmark Loew’s Theatre in New Jersey on Thursday, October 23rd. Landmark Loew’s is a gorgeous, cathedral-like movie theatre across the street from the PATH Journal Square Station. Then, the day of the show, the person with whom I was going fell ill. Literally fell. Unconscious. On the subway. (He’s okay now.)
I posted an ad on CL, FB, MySpace and sent emails asking if anyone wanted to buy my extra ticket. No cigar. Then I thought maybe I could sell the ticket at the show. Yes, it was me and eight other people out front trying to offload tickets, including a surprisingly bitter scalper. Part of the problem: Jersey. Other part of the problem: assigned seating. Result: show not sold out. Due to recent good luck with opening bands, I have been trying to go to shows on-time, so ten to 8 I went inside, ticket unsold.
The show was awesome. Stephen Merritt was obviously high or was just his usual high-seeming, random self. No, he was undeniably high after the intermission. He and Claudia had this odd banter like he was a crotchety, old man merry prankster and she was his exasperated, long-time companion, half humoring him, half laughing with him, half wanting him to shut it. Wait, that’s too many halves. She sang a lot of the songs he sang on the albums. But he sang, too. The vibe of the show was very low-key. I overheard a woman outside saying that she almost fell asleep at one part, but really they had just played some really delicately beautiful songs. You sometimes forget, with the funny lyrics and romping music, how gorgeous and deeply sad his songs can be.
It happened that there were two empty seats next to me, the seat for which I had the ticket and the one next to it. On my right was a very nice lady and her fellow. So, I piled my scarf, hoodie, coat and purse onto the seat next to me, and ended up sitting half yoga style with my left knee on the empty seat and leaning on the armrest.
At some point during the intermission, a woman behind me asked if anyone was sitting next to me, and because in times of inattention I can be oddly literal and oddly honest, I said, “No.” thinking they wanted to put their coats on the seats or on the backs of the seats, which one of them had already done and it was quite fine with me. However, I overheard her excitedly telling her friends on her cell phone that there were seats open in front of her and they should come on down.
Okay, here’s the thing. I do not want to be a selfish bitch. Nor do I want to cause trouble. But it is one thing to be made slightly uncomfortable by people sitting next to you in close proximity, such as in a movie theatre. It is quite another to pay $42 for the privilege. I did not want to stuff my purse under my seat, nor hold my coat, hoodie and scarf on my lap, nor sit on them. I did not want have to sit pressed between two other people. The way I saw it was, I had paid extra so my purse, coat, scarf, hoodie, left knee and left elbow would have a nice place to sit. I would like to think, too, that the woman to my right was more comfortable due to me leaning on my armrest and leaving the other for her exclusive use.
So, I turned around and told the woman that actually, I had paid for this seat, so only the other seat was free. She had this frozen smile on her face and I overheard her saying on her cell phone that she guessed she was mistaken because the seats were not open. Then after the show started again, I heard a lot of whispering, which may or may not have been related to me. But really, I had paid an extra $42 so I should be comfortable. Right?
Was I wrong? Am I a total bitch? My elbow and knee do not think so. I am inclined to agree with them.
[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity | 1 Comment ]
By cari || October 21, 2008
“This dick in front of me…accused JH of making him miss his dinner.”
The Hodg reads from his new book, More Information Than You Require
10:35pm Paul
somebody got contacts today
and that somebody is me
haircut tomorrow
i’ll be like a new man
10:36pm Cari
Woo!
Sexy time for the Paul!
How short are you going or what style?
10:36pm Paul
pretty short
but it’ll just look like when i got here
10:36pm Cari
I think I’m an alcoholic because this week, I feel like I really need alcohol.
Like if I don’t get some at night I want to curl up into a ball and cease myself.
Also, the cigs don’t help.
I never saw you when you got here.
I met John Hodgman tonight.
10:37pm Paul
[snipped]
oh nice
10:38pm Cari
I couldn’t afford his book but now I think I should have made him sign my address book or something.
Then it turns out my friend, with whom I did not stand in line, totally is like his drinking buddy and they all chatted for like 15 minutes.
Now I’m thinking I should have gone back up there and partaken.
Tonight has been very regretful for me…i.e. full of regrets.
I just feel all outside of everything.
And a black hole of what not to do.
Sorry to vent.
10:40pm Paul
s’okay
10:40pm Cari
It’s like we met for a nice chat and I just vomited my angst all over your nice new xmas sweater.
10:40pm Paul
i never liked this sweater
even though it’s new
10:40pm Cari
Well, you can still give it to a homeless person.
He or she won’t mind.
Might not even notice.
Now it’s like I vomited all over the homeless.
10:42pm Paul
way to go, cari
it’s not a big deal
it’s just john hodgeman
you’ll meet better celebrities than that
[snipped]
10:45pm Cari
[snipped]
it’s not the celebrity, it’s that he’s really funny, and nice and I like him.
And I have nothing funny or original to offer spur of the moment.
If I could write him an email, maybe something would surprise me.
But you can’t send emails at book signings.
10:49pm Paul
right
most people don’t do well in those situations
so don’t beat yourself up
10:50pm Cari
I just don’t want to be one of those assholes who asks what their favorite cereal is.
Or this dick in front of me who accused JH of making him miss his dinner.
And JH was pretty gracious all things considered, and said he’d come from a taping (The Daily Show) so he hadn’t eaten dinner either, and did that guy want to stay and sign all these people’s books so JH could go eat a steak?
Hahaha, that was awesome.
It wouldn’t have mattered if I hadn’t been feeling so unmoored this week.
[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity | No Comments ]
By cari || June 11, 2008
“If the majority of people are social technocrats, I’m socially Amish.”
For a long time growing up I felt supremely transparent, that everything I thought or felt was pretty obvious to everyone around me. I still feel that way to a degree, though some people mistake my shyness for aloofness. On the other hand, a good number of people are irritating and I genuinely don’t like them. So…I’m not sure what my point is there.
On top of that is my tendency to conserve energy, not engaging in debates with blowhards, not talking at length on the phone, and at my very worst, not bothering to project or enunciate when I’m talking to someone. This is my favorite mode of communication, the one where I feel most
comfortable and most confident, these pixels appearing on monitors near you, or making ink shapes on paper. If I could communicate with more people, especially men, in writing, I would have dates all over the place.
At work I’ve been making a special effort to say “hi” to people, just to show that I like them. I think I felt like if I like a person, he or she would just know it and I wouldn’t need to say anything by way of confirmation. But then I realized recently that I just walk right by people I like and don’t even acknowledge them. I tend to get so goal-oriented with my communication that I overlook really basic, obvious social cues and gestures. This also ties in with my tendency to feel overwhelmed by too much stimuli.
Saying hello is a another one of those things that other people just do off-hand and it requires little to no thought for them. Not so with me. If the majority of people are social technocrats, I’m socially Amish.
The good news is, I’m aware of it and I’m learning and I’m doing better. I think I may have squandered some social capital and goodwill that I had previously earned because I was socially unaware, so I am determined not to let that happen again. And we all know how far my determination gets me.
Ps.
[ Topic Neuroses, Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]
By cari || May 19, 2008
“Marriage: it’s the new going steady!”
Okay, it was bad enough learning that P. had broken up with his girlfriend when he changed his status on Facebook and therefore everyone saw the announcement with the broken heart icon. He and I had been previously discussing it so I was not completely surprised when it happened.
But today, D. told me he and his wife are splitting up, not just on Facebook, but on the message board of our Scrabulous game on Facebook! And I was surprised! The worst part, I mean besides the splitting up, is that D. is not a Facebook kind of person in the first place. Christ-a-roni people. What’s next?
[And just to head him off at the pass, Adam, I know you're going to say- Marriage: it's the new going steady!]
[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]
By cari || May 19, 2008
I know I am not the only person who finds Shia LaBeouf cute, but am I the only one who feels like a cougar for saying it? Suddenly I’m old enough to feel a little sleazy about checking out younger men. When did that happen?
During an IM exchange with B. the other morning, I joked that in my undersexed, hormone-induced frenzy, I was going to start attacking men on the subway:
[11:36] Cari: “Brooklyn girl sexually assaults men on subway”…news at 11
[11:40] B.: “Men oddly don’t seem to mind, update at 12″
[11:43] Cari: “Increase in number of men riding subway, update at 1″
[11:43] B.: “Woman sent to hospital due to permanent smile, more at 5″
[11:46] Cari: “Decrease in number of men riding subway, increase in visitors to local hospital, special report at 7.”
Later, P.’s response to my idea was:
[16:16] P.: i think you should
[16:16] P.: just start grabbing crotches
[16:17] P.: “what do you think about THIS?!”
In a nutshell, guys seem to really like the idea of being violated by strange women on the subway.
[ Topic Neuroses, Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]
By cari || May 14, 2008
“And I, and my tiny, tiny penis, will not stand for it!”
Thanks, Bob!
[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity | No Comments ]
By cari || May 14, 2008
“A free sample is god reaching down from heaven and giving you stuff he wants you to try.”
As many of you know, a few months ago some bastard stole my natural dish soap from the pantry at work (and yes, that is my dorky review. I own stock in drugstore.com so I have a fiscal responsibility to be dorky.) but now, it’s personal!
I had a can of Sunkist in the fridge with my little anal-retentive name written on the top in Sharpie and lo, it hath vanish-ed. I don’t normally drink Sunkist because it’s god-awful for you, but orange soda happens to be a guilty pleasure of mine, along with purple flavored soda. So on occasion I have been known to indulge.
I received this can of Sunkist in Times Square as a free sample, and we all know that a free sample is god reaching down from heaven and giving you stuff he wants you to try. So by denying me my orange drink, this office thief has sinned and perverted the will of god.
Heed this warning, O Blasphemer, the mill of god grinds slowly, but it grinds exceedingly fine. Your day of reckoning is nigh, and will probably involve a piece of cheesecake you were craving all day but Hark! it is eaten by someone other than you.
[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]
By cari || April 28, 2008
“Men start running around with their hands in the air, like “Oooohhhhh…”
Now that many of us are in our early, mid or late thirties (or older), some of the males are trending towards dating younger women, i.e. females 10+ years their junior, or crazy women of any age.
This has been happening since the dawn of time and occurs for many completely understandable reasons. Younger women are appealing for their inexperience, bubbly energy, hero worship, firm, supple bodies and alleged lack of baggage and bitterness that reportedly comes with age, while crazy women are frequently hot and supposedly amazing in bed. Like, holy shit amazing. Like guys get a look on their faces while thinking about it.
This is fine until the young and/or crazy woman does something immature and/or crazy because well, she is young and/or totally fucking crazy, which we all knew from the get-go, and then the men start running around with their hands in the air, like “Oooohhhhh, what the hell is happening?”. And then we older ladies can’t help but think, “Whoa, I hope she was fucking mind-blowing (and other kinds of blowing) in bed because she sure is flipping out now!”
[To clarify, by "crazy", I'm not talking about the seemingly quirky but sweet woman who suddenly stalks you. I am talking about the blatantly nuts, screams and removes her clothing in bars type of crazy, and I believe you guys know of whom I speak. There is a name for guys who are solely attracted to these types: Nut Fuckers.]
Here’s my proposal: men, if you knowingly are dating a younger and/or crazier woman, and she does something a young or crazy person might do, please share your complaints and bitching only with your other male friends, who can properly sympathize and empathize. In return, we women will refrain from telling you about the exploits of our asshole/unfaithful boyfriends (though I’ve generally bucked both trends) about whom you tried to warn us.
[ Topic Neuroses, Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]
By cari || April 17, 2008
“As usual, I used a Jedi mind trick to prevent him from trying to make my acquaintance.”
Last week, this East Village looking guy got on the train and sat between these two girls who were reading celebrity gossip magazines. By the smell of him, I’d say he was a stalwart fan of the vodka. Mid-trip, he abruptly rose and informed the young ladies that if he remained seated between two women reading shit magazines, he would scream. Then he sat down near me, I suppose because I was reading The Onion (which isn’t funny since they lost the head writer to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, but I sure like their crossword puzzles. And horoscopes.). As usual, I used a Jedi mind trick to prevent him from trying to make my acquaintance. It worked.
Tonight, I overheard this couple talking animatedly about their nose piercings and a (previously unknown to them) girl chimed in with anecdotes and advice of her own. It was a circle jerk of valley girls (and boy) frankly sounding like college freshmen time traveling from the 90’s, by way of the cast of “Clueless”. I will say for them that they seemed awfully pleased with themselves. There’s always room for joy in the world.
There was a quasi-hipster with full beard next to me and I thought we were going to have a moment, a shared smirk at the expense of our valley compadres. Instead, he texted someone. I understand that impulse because one time I was eating lunch at Moto and overheard this guy tell a girl that he wears “a lot of Japanese denim” and I immediately dropped everything to text my brother. The quasi-hipster had these interesting tattoos near his thumbs. The left hand had a hand and the right…I couldn’t see clearly, it seemed sword-like.
I also can’t be overly critical because I used to have my septum pierced (the hole is still there), but as it was a bead ring in the middle of my nose, I didn’t have their cornucopia of problems with watery eyes, or painful incidents involving her cat waking her with its paws on her nose, or mishaps taking off his shirt.
Back then, my hair was this amazing bluish-purple color. People used to ask me which dye I used and I lied because I didn’t want them to wear my color. [It was a mix of Plum and Blue-Black. NOT Punky Colors though because that shit did not even work.] Blue washes out rather quickly, so it was hard to maintain prime purpleness.
Ah, youth.
[ Topic Neuroses, Pop Culture, Ridiculosity, Society | 1 Comment ]
By cari || April 14, 2008
“It’s like Spock writing Bridget Jones’ Diary.”
Friday I had another episode on the subway of finding someone attractive and trying to signal my attraction and interest by making eye contact and smiling but instead finding myself again unable to look at him at the same time that he was so blatantly looking at me and I somehow only managed to smile at the floor.
Saturday I realized that I had made the fatal mistake of trying to judge something about which I knew too little. As it happens, I had misjudged someone’s handling of a situation. On the surface, the rightful course of action was simple and straight-forward. I thought he was being too nice and forgiving but after I met the other person I understood better and think he made the right decision.
Saturday I also realized that, though I still do not believe in love at first sight, there is someone with whom I felt an instant affinity that went beyond mere attraction. I don’t know if it’s timing or abandonment issues or that he just flips all my switches or what. We probably have nothing in common and would make each other rather miserable. He will think I am fat and weird and I will find him annoying. It’s been so difficult trying to get to know him. Surely that’s a sign of wrongness? Every time I see him I look for reasons why I’m being ridiculous and hormonal and overly romantic (too many Jane Austen novels?) and why he’s stupid and incompatible and impossible and every time I see him a small voice inside pipes up and says, All those things are true and I could love him. This is especially painful because I pride myself on rationality. It’s like Spock writing Bridget Jones’ Diary. It’s quite awful. So I’ve resigned myself to maybe always loving him a little and trying to just live my life around it, like living with a ghost in your house. Maybe I can write a romance novel about it. Maybe a shitty Rom-Com starring J.Lo as me.
Sunday I realized that lots of men find me quite attractive and I could even love some of them (plus my ghost) but that life is complex and convoluted and confusing and crazy and a lot of other words beginning with the letter “C”, just like my name.
Monday I am hung-over.
[ Topic Neuroses, Ridiculosity | No Comments ]
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