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Endorsement Time

Because we know you’ve been waiting…we know you’ve been dying to know, it’s time we announced the official painkiller.org presidential endorsement: That’s right, throw your hands in the air and wave them vigorously as if you pretty much don’t care and join us in helping to elect Barack Obama to the presidency.

Certainly anyone who reads our site with any regularity has probably figured out that we have a sickening liberal agenda here. But even still, what we probably don’t spend enough time repeating is just how generally disappointing we find the democratic party as a whole. The central failing of the democratic party is that, time and time again, they have proven themselves loathe to take firm positions on almost any issue, opting rather to define themselves by what they don’t stand for, ie. what the Republicans do stand for. It doesn’t take a logician to understand that a contrarian stance is not an actual political position, so no one should be surprised that Democrats have a wishy-washy reputation. Their platform is a shambles. It doesn’t move, it doesn’t inspire, it doesn’t capture the hearts and minds of a cynical and apathetic nation.

Barack Obama has an astoundingly fresh perspective. He seems to be genuinely moved by his point of view, and he has no qualms in conveying those views with the utmost clarity. He’s also not saddled by the baby-boomer hippy guilt that seems to drive so many of our modern democratic leaders. That guilt that made John Kerry introduce himself in 2004 with “I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty!” It’s the guilt that made all of Hillary Clinton’s tough talk about Iraq even four years ago seem like she was already hedging to beat a superior Republican candidate. It’s tough talk jock talk from the mouths of intellectuals and it doesn’t ring true.

So it’s time to gear up. It’s time to engage. Start reading. Start listening to the candidates. Use the cerebrum a little bit. If nothing else, even if none of the candidates are quite your cup of tea, you have to admit that it would be pretty amazing to see a truly engaged electorate this year. That would make Democracy a little prettier if only for a day. And if you take our advice, imagine one more thing: Imagine how our Democracy will look to angry young Muslim men throughout the Middle East if they wake up one morning to see the face of Barack Hussein Obama as he is sworn into the highest office on the planet.

[ Topic Politics | No Comments ]

My Oral Fixation

is the unsexiest in all the history of oral fixations.

I refer, of course, to my ongoing dental woes. And woes they are. Lamentable, tragic and never ending. This Winter, if you see one movie, make it this one: the epic story of one woman’s journey into night (though there will be a dearth of wailing and gnashings of teeth as my bones can’t handle the strain).

The periodontist told me that my gums are actually relatively healthy, but because I’m missing a crown that I can ill afford and an implant that I can also ill afford (and may not be able to acquire), my front teeth have been overly stressed and are…not wobbly, but not as…steadfast as a young person’s teeth ought to be. In addition, my Eastern European dentist has been alarmed by the innate shortness of my roots for quite some time.

Apparently, due to a perfect storm of circumstances, genes and neglect, I have suffered quite a lot of bone loss around the roots of my teeth and I need some kind of buttressing type surgery, the name of which I cannot recall and I seem to have misplaced the business card where I had him write down the name of it so I could Google it once I got home.

There is a weakened area near where they removed the titanium screws last year (which is why I might not be able to get the implant, even if I had two grand lying around waiting to be handed to an eager periodontist. Which I don’t. Did I mention that?).

Perhaps I should put my various ailments on eBay and philanthropists can choose to fund whichever dental procedure tickles their fancy. I imagine the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation would spring for the unnamed oral surgery because titanium screws in your skull seem pretty futuristic and techie. Each month they would receive x-rays of my mouth, the way those Christian Children’s Fund people on TV send you a picture of little !kung-a, eating the Pop Tarts your monthly support provided for him and his entire village. Plus, he had enough money left over to purchase his very own shoe.

Bill and Melinda, you have the power to make her life better. If you cannot find it within your hearts to help a poor Credits Typist in New York City get the oral surgery she so desperately needs, she may no longer have enough teeth to eat her Pop Tarts and will be forced to subsist on cocktails (to numb the pain) and that all-liquid Hollywood Diet that celebs use prior to photo ops but once they begin to eat solids, they gain all the weight back. Liquid diets wreak havoc on a person’s metabolism. They are unhealthy and ineffective. Just look at Oprah!

For only $100 a day for one month, you could make all the difference in a Cari’s precious life. Please, call the toll-free number on the bottom of your screen today. Operators are standing by. The first ten callers will also receive this stylish tote bag as our gift to you!

You can also visit us on the World Wide Web at www.carineedssomekindoforalsurgerybutcannotrememberthenameofitrightnowthoughitisacompletelylegitimateprocedureandthisisacompletelylegitimatecharity.com.

Won’t you help keep her future smiles bright?

[ Topic Health, Ridiculosity | No Comments ]

An Assortment of Things

Someone, please give John Waters a Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Mustache Ever.

Also, I just found out that VH1 is doing this Rock Autism thing. Look, that’s a fantastic cause and I’m all for it, but people, not everything is rockable. Stop demeaning whatever issue you’re attempting to address.

[ Topic Ridiculosity, Society | No Comments ]

Another Concept Over Which to Mull

What would happen if you could, I don’t know, freeze time or jump into an alternate dimension or something so you could kiss or fool around with anyone with no consequences?

I would also like to use something of this nature for sleeping so I don’t miss out on anything but still get a full 8 hours.

[I think I should run for president with a platform based on these brave new ideas.]

[ Topic Ridiculosity | No Comments ]

Awesome New Internet Searches That Ought to be Invented Posthaste

1) This isn’t a search so much as a shorthand convenience. Let’s say you have a crush on someone whom you can’t date for one reason or another. You should be able to go on Craigslist and post something in the personals ads like, “I am looking for someone just like _______________ (enter crush’s name here)” and through the magic of the Internet, someone just like him will respond. This might involve some kind of brain scanner….

2) If you have a song running through your head and you don’t remember any lyrics, you should be able to hum what you know into a Google Microphone and it will find possible song contenders based on your humming. It should allow for tone deafness and off-key warblers, sort of like a golf handicap.

3) If you are thinking about making a movie and you are concerned that you are copying someone else’s style/camera angle there should be a way to search a cinema database for previous work. For example, I am thinking about this certain effect with the camera but it would suck if it’s been done before. I won’t describe it in greater detail here because I know too many filmmakers and they are just waiting to pilfer from me.

4) You should be able to Google tastes and smells. I cannot even begin to imagine how this would be possible.

[ Topic Ridiculosity, Technology | No Comments ]

RIP Kucinich

In the wake of the recent decision to keep Dennis Kucinich from participating in the South Carolina democratic debate, it looks as if the little man we love to crack jokes about is dropping out of the campaign entirely. And with the other minority candidates flagging with him, so goes much of what was left of the free exchange of ideas in this primary bout. Sure, Kucinich often seemed far too simplistic with regard to our exit strategy in Iraq, but to think that was the extent of his contribution to the national conversation would be a mistake.

In particular, we can point you to an excellent Truthdig article which highlights Kucinich’s very timely, yet rarely discussed, position on abuses within the American banking industry. Especially considering the recent tumult in the stock market, this seems like exactly the sort of issue our leading contenders for the presidency should be discussing.

We’re pretty big Obama fans around here these days, but it will be sad to see Kucinich go. And in particular, it will be sad to see these issues of substance take a backseat to the pandering and glad-handing that will likely make up the remainder of the primary season.

See you on Super Tuesday. Yee haw.

[ Topic Politics | No Comments ]

What I Would Do With Your Money Were We to Get Married

“I would drive an understated car, or be chauffeured about by an understated driver who read Rilke (in German) while waiting for me to finish shopping.”

WHAT I WOULD DO WITH YOUR MONEY WERE WE TO GET MARRIED

I would build a metaphorical Virginia Woolf Room of My Own with money that wasn’t my own. It would be for me to write and paint in so you can’t see inside it, though you can peruse what comes out.

I would travel all over the world with this room (and you) and perhaps I would return to school for my degree. I would learn five languages. I would pretty myself up with facials and massages. I would buy quality things. I would exercise more. My days would be full of wide open skies and general expansiveness.

I would drive an understated car, or be chauffeured about by an understated driver who read Rilke (in German) while waiting for me to finish shopping. I would avoid all clothing or merchandise with obvious logos or names written on them. I would pay extra to have logos or names removed. I would not buy many shoes because I have big, wide feet and can’t wear Blahniks or Choos. I like running shoes because they support my low arches and don’t exacerbate my bunions. Plus, I can run away in them, perhaps after bunion surgery. I wouldn’t wear a lot of make-up because now that I’ve figured myself out more I look better with less. I would still curl my eyelashes because it makes my eyes look quite fetching. I would endeavor to subtly smell nice.

We would dine out often in decent eateries because I love food, though you know how I feel about seafood and meat that looks like the animal it once was. I would unabashedly take home doggy bags because I hate waste and love leftovers. We might also have a cook who would make extra of everything so there would be more leftovers. He or she would have to cook as well as my mom or better, especially steak and artichokes (with sauteed mushrooms). I would try the Kobe steak at Bobby Flay’s. Over dinner, you would have to talk about yourself and your life and how you feel about things so I can decide if we should stay married or not. You also have to listen to me even if I seem boring because I am frequently fascinating and witty and you wouldn’t want to miss anything good. You must be willing and able to discuss books or movies or music. You mustn’t roll your eyes if your opinion should differ.

We would look at and purchase art. We would sit on beaches with no one else on them. I, or persons who worked for me, would continue to write letters on behalf of political prisoners. I, or persons who worked for me, would strive to protect the environment and conserve wildlife. (Did you know that prior to commercial hunting, it is estimated there were hundreds of thousands of blue whales roaming the oceans? Did you know that recently we rejoiced that there are a few thousand left instead of a few hundred? Did you know that blue whales are the largest animals that have ever lived on this Earth? They can measure twice as long as the largest dinosaur?) One year, we would donate so generously to Public Radio and Television that they would not have pledge drives and we could listen to Terry Gross on Fresh Air in peace. We would also offer enormous endowments to respected universities on the condition that I could pester their professors with questions about insects or microbes or dark matter any time, day or night.

We would frequently go out for cocktails because I think that’s great fun. We would also drink really wonderful wines selected by someone well-versed in that sort of thing. We would attend events that required us to wear black-tie attire because I’ve never been to anything like that before.

We would have a nice house and a garden at which to look or in which to sit. We would have a cat and/or dog. Or three. I would have comprehensive health and dental insurance and would finally get that oral surgery I’ve always wanted.

HOW YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE FOR ME TO MARRY YOU

You would have to be nice. You would have to carry anything heavy. You would have to accept my ambivalence about having children, while acknowledging that I may feel differently about it in the future. You cannot be more than 15 years older than me and positively must possess all of your teeth. You must be moderately good looking and be height/weight proportionate.

You must kiss me often unless you are a bad kisser, in which case you must improve your kissing skills posthaste. You must be fond of having sex, particularly with me. You must be a safe driver who shakes a fist at Hummers and SUVs. Obviously, you must not be violent or a douche bag. You must dress and wear your hair in a reasonably stylish fashion. No beards or mustaches. Especially no mustaches. No excessive gambling or other risky, compulsive behaviors. No cocaine or hard drugs or copious pot-smoking. (People on coke are so fucking annoying.)

You must be comfortable with the occasional silence or lull in conversation. You must allow me time alone in my Virginia Woolf Room. (You can go play golf or something.)

You must stay faithful to me no matter how unbelievably hot she is or how badly she wants you.

You must think I’m the cat’s meow for all time.

[ Topic Fiction & Snobbery | No Comments ]